JULY FREEDOM FROM EXPECTATIONS-By Robin J. Steinweg

Expectivity, Assumivity, and Flexibilitivity 

By Robin J. Steinweg

Trouble, for me, does not stand for “T,” which rhymes with “P,” which stands for pool, which means Trouble right here in River City. In my book, Trouble starts with “E” or “A.” And not enough “F.”

“E.” Expectivity (from Robin’s Book of Definitions): To harbor high expectations of people/ events. If you expect much of people, they usually give it to you.

That can be true. Or maybe not.

Example 1: I expect my sons to obey me. They usually do, but not because I expect it; my husband and I worked hard at consistent discipline until our expectations were met.

Example 2: I expect my choir to sing beautifully. They usually do, but not because I expect it; We work hard at consistent practice of notes and technique until my expectations are met.

The trouble comes when Expectivity meets Assumivity.

“A.” Assumivity (R’s book again): To expect others to behave in a certain fashion (the way I would). I expect friends, leaders, strangers and family member to behave the way I would in similar circumstances. I assume they will.

Example 1: A driver passes and cuts in front of me, inches from my bumper, without using the directionals conveniently located within reach of any of several fingers, forcing me to slam on my brakes, and in turn forcing cars behind me to take evasive action in order not to rear-end me, which causes a chain reaction of horn-honking and foul language from those drivers who have not yet learned to control their tongues. All this when there’s been no good reason (other than said driver paying no attention—jabbering on a cell phone or illegally texting or simply behaving like an imbecile) for such erratic behavior. And I assumed that the driver would not do such a thing, because I wouldn’t. 

Example 2: Too upset about Example 1 to offer another.

“F.”: Flexibilitivity (R’s book): ¹To be a pine tree; let the ice of adversity slip off the branches.

²To sway with grace as the stiff winds assault, so not to break under the strain. ³To forgive. ⁴To expect the best, assume the worst, applaud the good and release the bad.

As Bing Crosby and the Andrews sisters sang in the 1940s, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive, and don’t mess with Mr. In-Between!”

Robin J. Steinweg thinks life is sweet right in the middle of writing children’s books, directing, writing and arranging music, teaching music, and listening for the Music of the Master’s voice. Among other things, Robin writes devotionals for the online magazine The Christian Pulse.

JULY FREEDOM FROM EXPECTATIONS-Healthy Parenting Balance

Spelling It Out

Guest Blogger: Hally Franz

Word art is huge. Over the last several years, walls have become hosts for something besides prints, sconces and photographs. Framed, as well as stand-alone, phrases and impact words have become standard decorating forms in millions of homes. These linguistic touches are opportunities for families to communicate their values and core beliefs in an artistic way.

When my 13-year-old son was born, I contemplated developing something like this for his room. I envisioned a framed code of ethics that would identify his parents’ expectations for behavior and outlook. I never accomplished that task; probably the business of actually tending to my infant took precedence.

While that was a nice thought, I don’t think we need to write our values on our walls for people to understand who we are, children to recognize the family priorities. Our behavior should communicate and demonstrate where we stand without the help of visual aids.  

For the Franz household, three of our key expectations include: appreciation for what we have, respect for elders and authorities, and hard work. We value kindness and charity and lots of other things, but, for us, a demanding, disrespectful and lazy nature is perhaps most offensive.

That doesn’t mean that my children always display the desired level of excitement and gratitude after receiving new clothes or having a day out. Nor, does it mean that don’t sass. I wish! And, they regularly need prodding to get on-task with the day’s chores. It does mean there are consequences when they deviate too much from our ground rules.          

Every home establishes, either intentionally or unconsciously, their rules to live by. Each home has its own unique set of standards. Children need to be clear about what these are; parents need to expect that children will falter as they figure it out. Just as our Heavenly Father displays grace when we fall short of what’s expected, we need to show grace when our children do as well.

The over-arching premise within any Christian home is that our belief and faith in God will ultimately guide our daily decisions and actions. We parents need to seek God’s counsel as we define and design the “look” of our homes; after all, He is the master designer. Then, whether our walls are painted, splashed or left bare, our children will know our expectations.  

Hally Franz is a former high school guidance counselor, turned homemaker. Hally sees each day as a new exercise, where routines change and weights vary. Her goal is to maintain all-around fitness for service, while training her children to be competitive, compassionate and Christ-like in the world in which we live. Read more of her articles at The Christian Pulse.

 

JULY FREEDOM FROM EXPECTATIONS-Healthy Parenting Balance

Parent/Child Expectations

Guest Blogger: Hally Franz

Summer vacation is here! Summer break used to be a time for kids to ride bikes, enjoy long afternoon tanning sessions, explore the woods with impromptu hikes, and spend mornings in Vacation Bible School. Today, many young people have little time for hikes, bikes and tanning. Instead, youth have camps of all nature, sports, outings with family, church and school, and even summer school to remediate or enrich their education. The word “vacation” may be a misnomer.

My children have completed V.B.S. this season, but have lots of activities before school resumes in August. Few days are left open for spontaneity. While I say that with some melancholy, I make no apologies for the summer’s agenda. I contend that busy kids tend to stay out of trouble, have opportunities for more growth experiences, and build better self-esteem through their multiple involvements.

There is a fine line that parents walk between having high expectations and pushing their children too hard. While my children are often scheduled, I’ve learned to recognize when it’s time to call a “stop day.” Those are days when we hibernate at home and are completely lazy.

When school is in session, I expect hard work and good grades. I think that’s fair. However, I don’t expect all A’s, if I see that they are trying. The letter on the report card is far less important to me than the rigor of the work required and the effort that my children display.

Our society provides an endless array of activities for children, particularly in larger communities. As children grow older, it’s fun to see their interests and talents develop. Parents should allow kids chances to explore and permission to pursue the endeavors they choose. We don’t all have soccer players, cheerleaders and singers. Among our young people, there are actors, trumpet players, junior politicians, entrepreneurs, chalk artists and barrel racers.

My husband is a long-time Boeing employee and military reservist. He loves airplanes; the T-45 Goshawk and the F-18 Hornet excite him. Our son likes horses, woodworking, gardening and drama. That’s okay, too. My 9-year-old daughter has a whole other set of gifts, because no two are alike. We need to let our children be who they are.

Setting and maintaining expectations for our children is tricky. There are so many areas to consider. Hard work, discernment, creativity, compassion and prayer – He expects us to use these.

Hally Franz is a former high school guidance counselor, turned homemaker. Hally sees each day as a new exercise, where routines change and weights vary. Her goal is to maintain all-around fitness for service, while training her children to be competitive, compassionate and Christ-like in the world in which we live. Read more of her articles at The Christian Pulse.

JUNE JOURNEY: Paralyzed by Expectations

Paralyzed by Expectations 

by Guest Blogger Michelle Rayburn

Some days, I’m paralyzed by expectations. I wake up each morning to a daunting to-do list and each item represents someone’s expectations—my own and those of others. As I face the list, I confront the reality that I cannot possibly accomplish that many things in one day. I begin the day with a sense of failed expectation.

Shortly after scanning my to-do list, I open my inbox and see all of the e-mails to which I haven’t replied. I know these people expect a reply, and soon. I flag a few messages and think, I’ll tackle that on my lunch break. Then I move on to start a project from my to-do list. I choose one that I think I can finish on this day, but as I wait for the creative energy needed for the project to fire up, my obsession with what still needs to get done just snuffs it back out. And so, I sit, too paralyzed to be productive, and too overwhelmed to meet expectations.

Somehow, tackling a project that’s free of expectations seems less overwhelming. So I scrub the bathtub. Sort the junk drawer. Hose off the deck. There’s no pressure in these tasks. I can deceive myself into believing I’m productive because I’m busy. Yet, tomorrow, I’ll still wake up to a huge to-do list.

If, like me, you’ve ever felt like you were spinning in a cycle of expectations with such centrifugal force that you can’t seem to get out, you know how it consumes you emotionally and spiritually. You know how hopeless it feels. I’m working on learning how to manage expectations.

A little while ago, I set some ambitious goals and shared them with fellow writer, Kathy Carlton Willis. A few weeks later, I sent a desperate e-mail to her whining about my lack of progress. She sent back wise words advising me to figure out what was the most important thing I needed to do and focus on that one thing right now.

That to-do list represents infinite opportunities to fail to meet expectations, and the only way I can get through it is by breaking it into manageable pieces and chewing on one piece at a time. I think it’s time for me to learn to do less multi-tasking and more uni-tasking. Today, I’ll write several letters and e-mails that need to get done. If that’s all I do, I’ll have finished something.

About Michelle:
Michelle Rayburn is a mom of two teen sons, wife of 21 years, and loves helping people connect their dots between faith, creativity, and everyday life. She is a freelance writer and speaker for women's events, conferences, and writers groups.

WEBSITE www.michellerayburn.com  

JUNE JOURNEY: Defining Expectations

The more I think and talk about expectations, the more I wonder if how we interpret or define the word "expectations" determines whether it's healthy or toxic?

DEFINITIONS:

A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
A belief that someone will or should achieve something
An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

HIGH HOPES:

If we have high hopes for someone else, our expectations are based on a motive or desire for them to be successful, content, happy, blessed, etc. Our hopes are not based in any sort of self-fulfillment, but only for the other's well-being. To me, this is a healthy expectation.

MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL:

Sometimes we expect others to produce a benefit in our lives because we have already paid out in some positive return in their lives. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. The problem with this is that sometimes, our motives aren't just for business (you pay my fee, I provide a service according to our contract). Sometimes our motives are based on selfishness—we manipulate the other party because we have an end result in mind. We compliment them and give them flowery praise, hoping they will recommend us for that position we hope to get. When we give to get, that's a scary place to be. A cheerful giver gives for the sheer joy of seeing the other person light up, for the incredible blessing of knowing it pleases God—even if no one ever finds out we gave of ourselves in some way.

GUILT-TRIP TICKET:

Whether we say it or just think it, when we have a long list of "ought tos" and "should dos" we are on dangerous ground, manipulating another person to do something out of guilt or shame rather than out of a willing heart. When God gave us the Ten Commandments, they were a list, yes. And He expects us to follow these and other rules of life as set up in the Bible. He set these up, I'm guessing, partly because He knows these "10 Expectations" give us a formula for the best possible outcome in our lives. But I also know from His scripture, that He loves it when our obedience comes from our love for Him rather than out of fear. His Law spells out a recipe for reaping and sowing, rewards and consequences, etc. But His Law more than that sets up a way for us to know we are NOT God and that we need a Savior in our lives—they are a map to the only perfect one. We strive for righteousness, but know that the only true righteousness comes through Him. So, that's God's system. But who are we to think WE get to have a list of expectations similar to the Ten Commandments in another person's life? We are not God—in fact we are still very flawed, just other journeymen on the same path. So—setting up a list of rules for someone else (whether expressed or implied), using manipulation and guilt-trip tactics is a sign our expectations are toxic.

Do my expectations in others come out of a motive of hoping for something good in their lives, or hoping they bring something good to MY life? Could that be the bottom line on defining whether an expectation is toxic or healthy?

JUNE JOURNEY: My Expectations are Showing...

Before we move into another aspect of dealing with expectations, I thought it might be helpful to identify some. I've made up a partial list. Have you ever wanted to say one of these to someone else (a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a client, a church member, a neighbor, you name it!)?

I Expect You To:

·               Desire to grow and progress as an individual

·               Have a code of ethics—integrity

·               Put God and others before self when it comes to priorities

·               Be honest with me

·               Work hard—not try to get by with as little as possible

·               Ask permission first, not assume you will merely ask for forgiveness later

·               Care about what’s important to me, even if it’s not important to you

·               Not just hear me, but truly listen

·               Nurture me

·               Affirm me with your words and your actions

·               Give me the benefit of the doubt

·               Treat me as you wish to be treated

·               Communicate truth rather than what you think I want to hear

·               (Well, that, and just plain COMMUNICATE!)

·               Realize I have work hours and play hours, my life isn’t just a hobby

·               Know how to give me service if you call yourself “customer service”

·               Know that poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on my part

Add your own expectations in the human race in the comments section below. When is it wrong to have expectations? Is it ever right?

JUNE JOURNEY: When Tough Love is Tough (expectations)

As I am using this time I’m calling my June Journey to pray for more wisdom and discernment regarding expectations, I’ve learned some new things (or been reminded of what I already knew but don’t always practice).

I can sum up some of these words of wisdom this way:

·                Sometimes others will do things that are not acceptable—that’s not judging, it’s just discerning.

·                God wants me to still love them, but I don’t have to love their attitudes or actions, and I don’t even have to LIKE the person right then! Often, I don’t like the person they are becoming. But I can still be hopeful that they will realign more with God’s principles (not out of legalism, but because I want His best for their lives).

·                My prayers for these times should be more about how I can best show God’s love to them rather than praying they respond in a way I find acceptable. I should evaluate, what does God want from this? How can I share the truth in love? How can I release my feelings so they aren’t invested in this? How can I be okay if this is never resolved to my satisfaction? The answer is, like another friend said, “it’s not about me.” It’s about me reflecting God’s Light even when others don’t.

·                This also requires discernment to know how involved to be with someone who isn’t going to be a positive part of my life. Maybe they are toxic to me. Or maybe they are going through life stuff and choosing the wrong path. The words “mark and avoid” come to mind from scripture. I know that sounds severe, but sometimes loving the way God loves requires tough love. He doesn’t expect me to hold their hands when they are slapping mine!

·                There are times that no matter what we do to make something right, the other person isn’t going to do right, and we have no control over that. All we have control over is our response. The way we deal with our feelings. Our choices. I can choose NOT to keep doing favors for these toxic ones if they’re going to treat me poorly.

·                Love doesn’t mean we roll over and play dead. It means we will release them, much like the prodigal son, to find their way back to what God wants in their lives. And being willing to receive them back when they come with repentant hearts. And in the meantime, NOT getting worked up about it. I can’t let their poor communications skills or their inconsideration render me ineffective for God's use.

I’m learning!

(c) 2011 Kathy Carlton Willis

JUNE JOURNEY: When It Comes to Expectations...

When it comes to expectations…

I truly am learning to give the benefit of the doubt—but I’m also praying a little differently today based on some discernment.

I’m learning:

• To communicate more clearly and not expect people to read my mind, or attempt to read their minds.
• To realize everyone has “stuff” that comes up that keeps them from fulfilling their commitments, and I need to be as flexible with others as I hope they will be with me. That Golden Rule again!
• When others reply or react in a way I find unacceptable, I have several options in handling the situation. First, I need to take it out of the realm of “feelings” and put it in the realm of godly thoughts and actions. Choose to react and respond AFTER I have a plan to do it the right way. I must be intentional in disengaging my feelings from the response so that I’m not allowing my buttons to be pushed.
• Sometimes when others respond in ways that rub me the wrong way, it’s because I had in my mind a more acceptable response and they missed the mark. Here’s my expectations showing: my first goal in any misunderstanding even in a short e-mail or by phone would be to reassure the other party and alleviate their concerns, so I expect others to be that way with me. Only after I reassure someone, would I tackle the issues. When others don’t do that, they let me down. I need to realize others aren’t as in tune to affirming others.
• My timetable is not the same as others. My priorities aren’t the same as others. I need to give grace on that, and be okay with the differences, even thanking God that we are all different.

I’ll be honest. I’ve been praying how to better handle my expectations because it’s not healthy to wait until I’m in the middle of a disappointment to come up with my game plan. I have to plan in advance to have a strategy how to handle issues. Otherwise, “in the moment” I might let my feelings mess things up (for me, or for others).

(Tomorrow I'll write about when to walk away...)

JUNE JOURNEY: I Expect to Hear from You!

At least five times a week I find myself mulling over the question, "Why aren't they e-mailing me back, calling me, texting, or touching base on facebook?" Lack of communication. I expect them to reply in a timely manner. Why? Because I try to reply in a timely manner when people contact me. For business: urgent issues, same day, and non-urgent situations hear from me within a week (I have time slots each week to deal with each client's projects). For friends, they get a return reply in the first 24-hours (unless I miss a text since I don't check it often).

What happens when I don't get a reply in the time I expect? I start to worry with "What ifs." "What if I did something wrong?" "What if they don't like me?"

Then I confess, I check their facebook to see what they're up to. If it seems like they are responding to everyone but me, I start to get insecure. "I don't matter to her." "I'm at the bottom of her list."

See where expectations get me? I go on a downward spiral that's no good for anyone.

I've learned several lessons from this ongoing problem of mine. 

• E-mail can be glitchy. My e-mails aren't always delivered to them, and their replies aren't always delivered to me. If in doubt, double-check by sending a "touching base" e-mail. If that gets no reply, try a direct message on facebook, a text, a phone call. Don't assume they are not replying.
• Some situations paralyze people. They want to respond but they don't know where to begin. So they keep it on their "to be done later" stack. And they find every reason to do other things first. People avoid conflict, misunderstandings, and resolution because it requires transparency and truth in communication. It's not that they're mad so much as they don't know how to proceed.
• I need to give the benefit of the doubt more when it comes to lack of communication. Rather than jumping to the wrong conclusion, since I'm not a mind-reader, I need to cut some slack. The Golden Rule comes in handy here!
• Sometimes, people have a different priority system for communication than I do. People don't have to be like me in the way they handle their life stuff to be right or wrong. We're just different. No need to judge and no need to assume the worst.
• People get burned out over communication. It's too much input. Too much to keep up with. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming, it's like a hoarder's house--it just piles up with the communication hoarder having no idea how to whittle away at it a little at a time. So, not hearing from someone doesn't mean they're mad or hate me, it might mean they are overwhelmed. And maybe, because I'm such a nice girl, they figure if anyone will understand them not having a timely response, it's me.

I'm still working on this one. Can anyone relate to this struggle, and if so, how do you handle it?

JUNE JOURNEY (Expectations): They Don't Understand Me Lord!

Jeanette Levellie writes on the topic of expectations:

When Greta rebuked me right before prayer meeting for not attending a function she chaired, I could feel the blood rush to face, my temples throbbing. I made a lame attempt to explain that in addition to my full time job, I was writing two books. When her only response was to stare at me in silence, I stuffed my hurt and indignation. At least, during the one hour prayer meeting. But the next morning found me complaining to my Father. 

Read more from "They Don't Understand Me Lord!" at The Pastor's Wife Speaks.

JUNE JOURNEY: Should I Expect Less?

This month I plan to jump back into blogging (after taking time off to move) to write about an issue with which I struggle. Expectations. It all boils down to this—I tend to expect people to act, react, and think like I do (or BETTER). 

Pastor said something in his sermon Sunday just HOURS after I had the same realization in my own heart-to-heart self-talk: To expect anything of others is to not have unconditional love, and it is a form of judging. OUCH. Yes, the Bible and God have expectations for Christ-followers, but that's not my job. 

I can lead by example, teach principles, mentor and come alongside of those who are still on the journey (and I hope others come alongside of me, because I need work too!). I can even step out on a limb and say "thus saith the Lord" (well, in real-life speak it would be more like "God says...") But when I expect something outside of my control, I set myself up for all sorts of frustrating emotions, and it doesn't really help the one on whom I'm projecting my expectations.

Expectations tend to let me down, disappoint me, cause me to act out of wrong motives, and push all the wrong buttons. I know that. How do I fix this problem? I'm going to spend this month working on it, and will post my observations here.

If you struggle with this too, would you like to go on this June Journey with me? Feel free to post your comments as we go along, or if you want to remain anonymous to the blog, write me directly at: kathy@kathycarltonwillis and I can post your thoughts anonymously. That way we can all support each other.