JUNE JOURNEY: When Tough Love is Tough (expectations)

As I am using this time I’m calling my June Journey to pray for more wisdom and discernment regarding expectations, I’ve learned some new things (or been reminded of what I already knew but don’t always practice).

I can sum up some of these words of wisdom this way:

·                Sometimes others will do things that are not acceptable—that’s not judging, it’s just discerning.

·                God wants me to still love them, but I don’t have to love their attitudes or actions, and I don’t even have to LIKE the person right then! Often, I don’t like the person they are becoming. But I can still be hopeful that they will realign more with God’s principles (not out of legalism, but because I want His best for their lives).

·                My prayers for these times should be more about how I can best show God’s love to them rather than praying they respond in a way I find acceptable. I should evaluate, what does God want from this? How can I share the truth in love? How can I release my feelings so they aren’t invested in this? How can I be okay if this is never resolved to my satisfaction? The answer is, like another friend said, “it’s not about me.” It’s about me reflecting God’s Light even when others don’t.

·                This also requires discernment to know how involved to be with someone who isn’t going to be a positive part of my life. Maybe they are toxic to me. Or maybe they are going through life stuff and choosing the wrong path. The words “mark and avoid” come to mind from scripture. I know that sounds severe, but sometimes loving the way God loves requires tough love. He doesn’t expect me to hold their hands when they are slapping mine!

·                There are times that no matter what we do to make something right, the other person isn’t going to do right, and we have no control over that. All we have control over is our response. The way we deal with our feelings. Our choices. I can choose NOT to keep doing favors for these toxic ones if they’re going to treat me poorly.

·                Love doesn’t mean we roll over and play dead. It means we will release them, much like the prodigal son, to find their way back to what God wants in their lives. And being willing to receive them back when they come with repentant hearts. And in the meantime, NOT getting worked up about it. I can’t let their poor communications skills or their inconsideration render me ineffective for God's use.

I’m learning!

(c) 2011 Kathy Carlton Willis

JUNE JOURNEY: Should I Expect Less?

This month I plan to jump back into blogging (after taking time off to move) to write about an issue with which I struggle. Expectations. It all boils down to this—I tend to expect people to act, react, and think like I do (or BETTER). 

Pastor said something in his sermon Sunday just HOURS after I had the same realization in my own heart-to-heart self-talk: To expect anything of others is to not have unconditional love, and it is a form of judging. OUCH. Yes, the Bible and God have expectations for Christ-followers, but that's not my job. 

I can lead by example, teach principles, mentor and come alongside of those who are still on the journey (and I hope others come alongside of me, because I need work too!). I can even step out on a limb and say "thus saith the Lord" (well, in real-life speak it would be more like "God says...") But when I expect something outside of my control, I set myself up for all sorts of frustrating emotions, and it doesn't really help the one on whom I'm projecting my expectations.

Expectations tend to let me down, disappoint me, cause me to act out of wrong motives, and push all the wrong buttons. I know that. How do I fix this problem? I'm going to spend this month working on it, and will post my observations here.

If you struggle with this too, would you like to go on this June Journey with me? Feel free to post your comments as we go along, or if you want to remain anonymous to the blog, write me directly at: kathy@kathycarltonwillis and I can post your thoughts anonymously. That way we can all support each other.