Wednesday, March 28, 2007

3 a.m. Ramblings

It's 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I woke up with nothing but being overheated on my mind, but now that I'm up...of course the mind is racing and I can't go back to sleep. We all have nights like that!

What am I thinking about? Everything and nothing all at the same time.

I received a call yesterday that my boss might not be able to make a trip to a large writers conference in California this weekend. She is scheduled to be on the faculty as well as take one-on-one appointments with writers. She called to ask if I could be ready to go in her place if she needs me. I won't know until today, and if I go, I leave tomorrow morning!

What's a girl to think with news like this? Of course, my mind should be on the lesson I'll be teaching at the workshop, but mostly my mind is on:

-What clothes will I wear?
-How will I look for my first impression with many of these professionals?
-Should I go get a mani-pedi?
-I hope my hair stylist does a good job on my hair cut today!
-I hope I remember to pack everything I need, yet keep a light suitcase since I'll be staying over 5 nights.
-What's the weather like in northern California?
-What an awesome opportunity!
-I wish I had some of my book proposals drawn up-even just one-sheets, to show prospective publishers and agents!
-I hope I get some great new clients from the opportunity!
-I can't wait to be a blessing to others, and to BE blessed-to share Palm Sunday with so many other awesome Christians!
-I wonder who my roommate will be?

And of course, there's no sure deal that I'm even going! But that is how the mind works--especially at three in the morning!

And then there's the other thoughts that come crashing in while I'm "focused" on the conference:

-How am I going to get the house ready for the buyers' walkthrough this evening? Will they understand that the house is topsy turvy from packing? (They're packing too, so they must relate to the chaos!)
-Don't forget to pick up your prescriptions and diabetes supplies today!
-I wonder if Jazzy will miss me if I'm gone this weekend?
-If I do go, Russ will be left to coordinate moving our big stuff and many of our boxes to storage this weekend. I'm glad he has 2-4 guys lined up to help. I'm glad we don't have to be out for another week.
-If I do go to California, I'll need to go pre-sign the papers for the closing of our current house-it closes tomorrow.
-We're closing on our house! That means I'll be saying goodbye to our latest dwelling and moving to transitional housing (Extended Stay Hotel) in just one week. So much yet to do!

On and on the mind wanders and it wonders too!

And then there are those relational thoughts that rush in...
-I wish I could say goodbye to some of my friends before I move, but I don't know how they feel about our sudden departure. ACK! I don't know how *I* feel about our sudden departure!
-I wish things weren't so hard with the ones I HAVE been in touch with. Awkward. Difficult. At times even paranoid I'm sure. Them holding back. Causing me to hold back. Shallow conversations. No more real heart bonding. Less transparency, more walls. I hate walls! I'm all about the transparent! But being transparency risks vulnerability. Pain.

But soon. Yes soon! I'll be in a better place than I am this 3 a.m. posting. I am embracing the "yet to come." I am anticipating all the good stuff about to be opened up to us. I get to dream big and so does Russ. No limitations. Nothing holding us back but our own imaginations. Well...that and finances! haha!

I am reminded of the passage of scripture when Joseph tells his brothers, after all the terrible things he has been through because of their rejection, "you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." God did not orchestrate this sudden turn of events, but He can use it for His glory. He can give us beauty for ashes!

I think of the beautiful wild flowers that bloom after the horrific wild fires. Literally transforming the black ashes into Nature's beauty. God will take the ashes of my pain, of my disappointment, of my hurt regarding what happened at church into something that will knock my socks off! And I'm a barefoot kind of gal, so I know, no matter what it is, I'm going to LOVE it!

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